Sic ASA Parrot

The first edition of what will hopefully be a regular roundup of adjudications by the Advertising Standards Authority, the British ad industry watchdog.

Danone not so good for you? The yogurt manufacturer failed to show Actimel is "scientifically proven to help support your kids' defences". Referenced studies were on hospitalised Indian kids or children under 3 years, neither of which featured in the TV ad.

Peta falsely imply that eating meat causes swine flu. Rearing pigs might get you, but fortunately most bacon-eaters never see a real live oinker.

Male drivers ARE dangerous. A government campaign warned women not to get into a car with a man if she didn't trust his driving. A viewer felt this was offensive to male drivers, not all of whom are crazed careless killers on wheels (allegedly). The ASA felt the ad "highlighted the statistical risks to encourage prudent behaviour" - who could ask for anything more?

Abtronic? Abysmal. Sellers of an electronic muscle-stimulation belt were picked up by ASA monitors. Oh dear: it's not the easy path to a sculpted six-pack, no substitute for going to the gym, and the ASA doubted claims that it was relaxing, suggesting there's no pain no gain: "We acknowledged that the 'relaxation' setting on the Abtronic X2 was likely to feel relatively comfortable, but considered that to achieve the claimed muscle-toning, the Abtronic X2 would need to be set to the exercise programme, which was likely to cause some pain or discomfort." Ouch!

We Buy Any Car vindicated. They'll buy any car, even a limo, but not your pick-up. Because it's not a car. Sorry, complainer!

Tesco and Asda are at war. The casus belli: who has the cheaper prices. Asda tries to prove it's better with an independent price comparison website checking a wide selection of products. Tesco has a different plan. They select random people's shopping baskets (I assume they store details of everything each person buys, rather than grabbing a random shopper as he heads for the tills with two fillet steaks, a bottle of Cava, and a twelve-pack of condoms), and they check the price of this randomly selected basket against what Asda would sell it for. Someone complained, objecting that this is biased as it doesn't take account of the fact that 95% of Tesco products could be overpriced, but if people walk in the door, see the prices, refuse to buy the bad-value stuff and just take the buy-one-get-one-free spinach bags and the half-price wine from a country you've never heard of, then Tesco will look really cheap (assuming ASDA doesn't have deals on spinach and Bolivian Merlot). The response: "Tesco said it was generally accepted that advertising sought to present companies in the most favourable light. Price comparison ads were, by their very nature, highly biased in favour of the advertiser." The ASA said: victory to Tesco. Also cheaper than Boots, by slightly better reasoning.

Park's miracle mattress won't help you concentrate or relieve your pain.

Coke in trouble over Vitaminwater. Viewers may confuse Jean-Claude van Damme and Brussels sprouts, and that's just the beginning of their problems, as the ASA dispute their health benefits and suggest 4.6g sugar/100ml is a lot of calories for a drink that claims to be water.

Something about frying-related franchises. Purifry Ltd challenge FiltaFry's uniqueness. Purifry offers franchised deep-fat fryer care, cleaning, and oil disposal. FiltaFry do much the same but their website has exciting videos! There are business opportunities here! It's war of the fryers! This could get messy!

talkSPORT offer pre-pay Maestro cards? And don't tell you that there's a fee for topping them up? Naughty.

Penis pump maker deflated.

Chinese buffet ok. Anyone can call themselves "world famous" even if nobody's heard of you - it's a meaningless subjective phrase not a statement of fact.

Mercedes not so environmentally sound.

Leona Lewis in trouble: apparently if you call something your "new album" it shouldn't just be a bunch of old tracks in a new cover.

Guthy-Renker beauty products - this web page offers ASA highlights, but it seems that most of their adjudications are against utility companies, made-up religions, and French cosmetics with dubious scientific claims.

Universal Church of the Kingdom of God's blessed oil probably won't save your life, even with the disclaimer "The UCKG does not claim to heal people but believes that God can through the power of faith."

The Queen is in trouble: truly the ASA fears nobody. The Duchy of Lancaster making unjustified claims in an attempt to build new houses in the ancient village of Cloughton.